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Editors
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23 and living with HIV - One Woman's story
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• Lessons to be Learned - Spain's
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• Kenya Rounds up Zebra for Starving
Lions
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at 101 in Japan
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• Be Inspired - Poem by Martha
Samuel
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• My Vision for Matuga - Zanu
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• Beyond Expectations - From
Charcoal to Gold, Njenga Karume
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• How will Chineese Culture influence
Africa?
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• African Churches use
mobile phone to ring up growth in members
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• Kenya Licences First Credit Reference Bureau
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Six
Ways to Get Through to Him: How Men Say you Should Communicate -
By John Crawford
Some men know how to communicate. Look at Shakespeare. He laid down
lines of verse, wrote in iambic pentameter, and dashed off masterpieces
of literature. Unfortunately, most men aren’t so sophisticated,
as I’m sure you ladies know all too well. But fear not. That grunting,
mumbling, heap of man slumped on your couch may not be Shakespeare, but
he’s perfectly capable of carrying on adult conversations. Here
are six Dos and Don ’ts men advise for talking with your guy.
No. 1: Don’t Be Too Emotional.
Ask a man about what’s in his heart, though, and
he turns into a bumbling wreck. “[Men] are not raised to know and
acknowledge their feelings,” says Joe Mansfield, a psychotherapist
in Nashua, N.H., whose aptly named website, HelpforMen.com, is about
aiding men with their relationships. “Men are cut off from emotions.” Say
you have a serious issue with your guy, and so you decide to have a “talk” with
him. And let’s say, during the course of your talk, you end up
crying or even screaming. To communicate effectively (keyword) with a
man, this show of emotion is a bad idea. “That jams the guy’s
circuits,” Mansfield says. “They find it threatening and
distasteful.” A better strategy for women is to get clear on what
you want to accomplish first before having that talk. Take a walk. Call
a girlfriend. Then raise your concerns in a straightforward manner.
No. 2: Don’t Take Offense to a Man in His Cave.
If a man is comatose on the couch, silently staring at the screen
and showing as much life as a piece of furniture, don’t be alarmed.
This is normal behavior. “Men can just hibernate, we can just
zone out in a vegetative state in front of SportsCenter,” Pete
says. I know this silence can drive women crazy. ‘What is he
thinking? What’s wrong? Why doesn’t he say something?’ Please
don’t worry. Ninety-nine percent of the time it’s not about
you. He’s probably quiet simply because he doesn’t feel
like talking. “Men need to go into a cave once in a while,” Mansfield
says. “It’s a huge step forward for any couple to recognize
that.”
No. 3: Don’t Be Critical.
Say you’re out for dinner, and your guy does something out of character.
You’re hurt. And so later you lash out, speaking too quickly and
calling him “inconsiderate” But
by hurling criticism at him, he immediately gets defensive. Soon
you find yourselves in a full-blown
argument. Instead of pointing fingers at him, talk first about
how the experience made you feel, Mansfield says. Then ask him
to not do it again.
If you make your criticism in the form of a request, instead of
an accusation, the guy is more likely to listen and comply.
No. 4: Don’t Talk Too Much.
Sorry, ladies, but any guide to communicating with men can’t leave
this issue out. When a woman talks too much, she overwhelms a man. In
fact, he may be afraid to say anything, for fear that one word from him
may trigger another soliloquy from her. “Women can get on a roll
sometimes,” James, 24, says. “In such a situation, I use
one word, or very brief answers. This will let her know you're interested
in what she's saying, but it’s really because you don't necessarily
want to add to the ‘conversation.’”
Talking too much won’t get him to take out the trash either. If
you need your man to do something, make your request and keep it short.
Don’t go on and on. “Men will feel like they’re just
being lectured, ” Mansfield says. “His eyes will gloss over.”
No. 5: Don’t Initiate Important Discussions in a Car.
This may seem simple, but follow this advice and you’ll save yourself
lots of headaches. “I have talked to hundreds of couples who have
screaming arguments in a car,” Mansfield says. The reason for these
arguments? Lack of eye contact. When driving, your eyes are glued to
the road, not to the person in the passenger seat. Misunderstandings
can happen easily. “Effective communication involves eye contact,” Mansfield
says. For the same reason, don’t have important talks in the dark
of the bedroom either. Not only is there no eye contact, but you can’t
see body language either.
No. 6: Don’t Make Assumptions.
The multitude of books on relationships would make you believe
that the sexes are so far apart they hail from different planets, with
men coming from Mars and women from Venus. “There’s lots
and lots written about this,” says Phillip Glenn, professor in
the department of organizational and political communication at Boston’s
Emerson College. “In my opinion, books like this overstate the
differences.” No doubt, differences exist between the sexes,
but don’t make them out to be huge obstacles to a relationship.
With a few adjustments, you can learn to understand those differences
and communicate just fine despite them. Sure, discussing feelings may
make us a bit squeamish, but when the chips are down, and you need
us for something important, we’ll be there. We’ll talk,
we’ll listen, and we’ll rise to the occasion. We won’t
let you down, ladies. Just let us watch SportsCenter in peace once
in a while, and everything will be fine.
John Crawford, Boston Ma
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